I’m scared, I’m alone, I don’t know what to do!
It’s the first time since discharge that I’ve been alone in the flat.
Although I’m choosing to be here alone it’s terrifying.
I feel I can’t ask for help or chat to anyone.
It’s isolating!
I’m drowning in the silence!
The truth of what’s been going on…
So about four weeks ago I was sectioned after 4 mental health Acts in a month or so.
Things got bad real quick.
I do admit now that it was probably because I messed around with medication, then kept forgetting and then drinking too much alcohol, and then not being able to control the voices and attempting to take my life in so many different ways, and too many times.
I was then sectioned which was horrible.
I hated every second of it.
I was restrained and injected 3 times, because of refusing medication, I was too scared to move, eat or even talk to the staff.
It was a terrifying 3 and a bit weeks.
They finally discharged me yesterday after wardround on Thursday. With the agreement I was going to my parents. I think the staff thought I was staying there for the weekend, there were phone calls between my dad and nurses and I think we all got a bit confused.
Either way I’ve been at my parents on and off. I find it so stressful here and looking forward to going home tomorrow and staying there on my own for a bit.
I was hoping someone would comment on my weight considering I’ve lost quite a lot since they all saw me a month ago, but no. So I guess I’m still a fat ugly creature.
I need to work on my weight so much now as I’ve been told quite a bit if news one that I can currently share and that is my DBS check came through the post with nothing wrong with it. I was scared with my recent police sections 136, being on there but luckily it’s all clear!!!!! So hopefully I can start my job soon I’m just scared as I think I’ve lost my driving license for 3 months until I can prove I’m stable. But I’m still hoping to start my job as soon as possible.
I’m hoping so much that this will all work out but with the amount of stress I already feel and how scared, worked up and confused I am I’m not sure I can get through this.
Surely it has to get better from here?
The crisis team were meant to be calling or visiting but haven’t heard from them at all.
Then I think next week my cpn is calling Monday and then the dreaded depot of medication on tuesday.
Honestly, I’m not even sure I’m going to go and have it. I don’t want to be injected and I hate the fact it’s out of my control. I’m going to ask if I can go back to the tablet form. They can’t force me to have the depot now that I’m not sectioned!
But for now I just need to try and get through this next hour, or even minute.
I need to get things back on track, surely things can only get better from here?
⚠️⚠️⚠️Trigger warning! ⚠️⚠️⚠️
⚠️⚠️ suicide attempts, no food, restraint, poison, rape, self harm. ⚠️⚠️
Last Monday I attempted to end my life, my care co found out and police were called.
I was sectioned under 136 and taken to my local mental health hospital.
The next day I was put in section 2
I’ve appealed and got my tribunal on Wednesday, which I’m scared of.
I haven’t eaten in 2 weeks due to the nhs poisoning my food. I’m able to drink from sealed bottles from outside the ward although I’m limiting what I drink to dry and die.
I also found some glass and started cutting my wrist to get the medication out of me.
I’ve been injected by restraint 3 times and it’s so scary brings back flash backs from being raped.
I’ve been trying to get the blood out of my body so I can get the poison they are injecting me with out of my body.
I’m so scared. Currently the voices are really bad and I feel unsafe. The nhs are trying to steal my DNA. To clone me because I can’t die.
I’ve been here over a week but feels like a few hours I’m loosing track of time.
I’ve barricaded my door multiple times to attempt to stop them restraining and injecting me.
I’m so low at the moment and my head is so busy.
I’ve had a few troubles with family which has lead to me becoming more distressed.
I can’t concentrate much and it’s taken me days to write this.
I’m not ill and don’t need to be kept against my will and medicated! It’s not fair. I’m so scared.
Will I ever get out of here unharmed?
I think Ive lost some weight already from not eating for 2 weeks but it’s not through choice If they weren’t poisoning my food I could eat. I’m scared.
Since age 11 I have had poor mental health.
I started to self harm, and not eat.
I was first sectioned aged 18 after numerous suicide attempts.
Since then I’ve been sectioned too many times. Also in hospital volunteering.
These last two weeks have been awful. I’ve been trying to kill myself a lot. But I’m alive. I’m not sure if that’s what I want or not.
I’m struggling so much. The sun is trying to burn me and I feel I need to get more energy so I’m stronger than the sun.
I’m struggling but there is no help.
I’m hearing voices and Ava is helping me. It’s going to be ok.
And I’m still not dead.
I can’t do this any more.
Please end all this for me.
I’m done suffering!
And I’m still not dead.
I can’t do this any more.
Please end all this for me.
I’m done suffering!
They have no idea.
My parents aren’t my next of kin they can’t call them and tell them anything!
God is my next of kin!
They are so far away from me!
Don’t try and say sorry because you have no idea what the voices are telling me about you!
I’m better off keeping all this too myself!
God is my protector!
But it’s not too late for a fresh view on life!
I can’t do this,,, I can do this, I mean, I have to do this! There is no going back!
I’m scared, I’m anxious and I’m all honest I want to end it, but I have to keep going right, but for what, or who?
It’s all so far away all the things I was looking forward too, what can I look forward too that is in the near future?
💡Any ideas ? 💡
I’m completely alone, and I’m scared and bored.
All I do is look through my phone by the end of this i will have phone prints on my hands.
I’m scared it’s scary dealing with all this uncertainty on your own,
I’m bored what should I do?
I have so much I could do but how do I get the motivation to actually do it????
I feel I’m not doing enough to help others.
I can’t get out to do my own shopping and there are no delivery slots available, but luckily today my cousin has offered to do it.
Honestly so scared with this situation, I know people keep saying it’s simple all your being asked to do is stay at hone. How can I feel safe though, how can I not feel alone, how can I not escape this reality I’m living in!
Honestly the fear has got on top of me!
All my life I’ve been betrayed. When I was younger my parents used to look through my diary without my permission, that’s the one place. I used to feel able too express how I was feeling until that got taken away from me then it was my phone behind my back then used as a punishment, then my school work. I only found out about some of these because there are photo copies of my diary and school work in my mental health records when I requested them. I now have photo copies of everything my parents did behind my back. No wonder I don’t feel I can be honest or open up to anyone.
I can not trust anyone. Every time I think I can, I find out I can’t.
Then when I had my own place my cousin would go through my phone. I only found out one night because Siri accidentally went off. I mean how wrong is that. I thought I could trust him.
I did a poll on my Instagram and 54 people said it’s not ok! I think that says it all.
So next time someone says why can’t you trust anyone! Here is why.
I hate that it will effect me for the rest of my life.
I know I need to get past the anger and move on but HOW?
I don’t know how to. I’ve been betrayed my whole life and now I have to live in fear of my privacy always being taken away from me.
Any ideas of how to get feelings and emotions out when you have no privacy?
By the way yes I’m an adult and it still happens!
💫 Rosie’s Mental Health Journey 💫 