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family Mental health Sisters

Will I ever be a good big sister?

TRIGGER WARNING!!!!!

Mention of self harm and suicide!

I’m the oldest of us four girls.

I was never a good big sister growing up.

My mental health got in the way of that.

Instead of looking after my sisters and being a good role model, I was harming, not eating and attempting suicide nearly ever other day.

I wish I was there for them, but now they all seem to be getting along so well without me.

I feel so left out.

They all talk to each other, and do things together and then there is me who tries to fit in but it’s obvious I’m an outsider!

How can I fit in more? What can I do to be the big sister and role model that I wish I was!

I hate who I have become. I need to be a better person!

Most of the time I feel things would be best for them if I wasn’t here or getting in the way.

Categories
Mental health

Heart from wood.

this is a piece of wood my dad chopped up. But it turns out there were four heats so we all got a slice, I think it’s beautiful.

Categories
Mental health

I thought my sisters care.

I really thought they cared but I haven’t received any support or even a get well from them.

I haven’t even received a text.

It hurts me.

Categories
Mental health Sisters

Blow art.

Categories
Anxiety Emotions family Happy Mental health reborn Sisters

Last weekend of July.

This was the last weekend of July and we're back to Monday and the usual routines.

I was planning on spending Saturday on my own but in the end my sister texted me saying all three of my sisters are going bowling do I want to join. At first I was thinking no as mum had upset me the previous day, but that doesn't mean I should take it out on my sisters, so I went.

I had a great time, I helped my youngest sister win the second game she was so happy. She went and picked up my drink at the end so I could finish it. I said "thank you", she said, "it's the least I can do, you helped me win" she is only 10 years old, I think that's so lovely.

I then went back to my parents house with them. Had a great time doing blow art, it was so therapeutic, that's what the picture I'm including will be from. So overall a great day.

Then Sunday I had a massive achievement I went in to a shop and did the food shop with a lot of support, but I did it.

Then took my reborn doll Joshua out for a walk. It chucked it down with rain but it couldn't have been more refreshing feeling the rain roll down my face, and feeling free.

Last this to conclude the weekend, I dyed my hair purple. I know it's just gone 3am but I can't sleep.

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anorexia Anxiety Disappointment Emotions family Future Happy Health healthy Lonely Mental health scared Sisters

I need to be strong. 

I know I’m not seen as the strong one, but I know things are going to get very emotional and I’m going to need to be there for my family. 

I think my sister having her baby will effect all of the family. I think my youngest sister will feel very left out and not the baby of the family any more. She is already struggling with her thoughts about her body and she is only going to be 10 years old this year. Going through anorexia myself has gave me a bigger insight in to picking up on little signs. I want to make sure she has someone to talk to and feel loved. 

I know my sister who has still blocked me on Facebook, is putting in a brave face. I need to make sure she still feels loved and supported especially as she is doing her gcse now. 

And then my sister who is due to give birth in 40 days, I think she is going to need her big sister. I will be there for all three of them. 

I love them so much, nothing will change that. 

I need to be strong. I know I can be. 

I will be the big strong sister I haven’t been before. I need to change my role by putting my own needs after my family’s needs. There so important to me. 

Categories
Anxiety Mental health Sisters

Words hurt.

When people say words hurt, there right. The words that were and weren’t the said is killing me, did you know you were powerful enough to make me want to die. I’ve always loved you, and done the best to show you that I love and care for you. 

It’s has a big effect on me when I’m blocked from you, your my family, I want to be in contact with you, but it kills me knowing that you don’t want anything to do with me online. 

I really hope you change your mind and I can be the big sister I want to be, I’m sorry I’m not a very good role model. I wish I could be, but who would look up to a sister who’s tried to kill herself more times than she can remember, who wants to look up to a sister who struggles to leave the flat and tell between what’s real and not real. I wish I could be the big sister I want to be but, it’s so tough and my illnesses make it a lot harder to be the sister I want to be. Please let me try again at being your big sister. I love you. Xxx