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family Mental health Sisters

Why, it’s not fair.

I was playing with my niece and sister and we were play hide and seek

My mum then took over and it made me upset. There was no need mum always and takes over!

Why dose she always take over.

Why does she always want to take over.

I was having fun. Why?

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Mental health

TRIGGER WARNING————Fighting the urge to harm

Had a stressful night last night and day today.

I brought my parents a present just from me, and my three sisters aret happy about that because the plan was to just do a present together.

I know I’m the one in the wrong. But I saw them and thought my parents might like them.

Anyway

My sisters texted me a lot about how unhappy they are about it. So I said sorry and took the presents back.

It seems the texts where they are nicer to me about this are the ones effecting me the most.

Why?

They are being nice to me… maybe it’s because I don’t feel like I’m worthy to be nice too, i was the one in the wrong.

I’m sorry… I’m sorry… I’m sorry!

So this is making me want to harm, but the thought of being able to go swimming tonight or wearing short sleeves in the next few weeks is stopping.

I’m also not sure what to do about my parents presents or if I should even be with my family this Christmas?!?!

I’m sorry.

Categories
Anxiety brother family Mental health Miscarriage Past

You’d be 14 today.

Hey beautiful brother,

You’d be 14 today, in secondary school and no doubt racing with the youngest two sisters.

My heart hurts for you each day, there isn’t a day that goes but that I don’t think of you, and that moment I found out you had died.

You will always be my brother, I’m so sorry.

Today I will visit your grave as always, this year I will light s candle, put this years bracelet on to remind me of you and making you proud, and I will make a wish when I blow the candle out, I will leave you a new plaque and card.

I will make you proud. I will be the kindness in the world that wasn’t there when you were taken away.

Sleep tight little one.

I love you so much baby brother. 💙

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Anxiety brother Dad Daily update depression Disappointment Emotionally unstable personality disorder Emotions family Mental health Mum Personality disorder psychosis Schizophrenia Sectioned self harm Sisters

Dear mum

I want to make you proud.

I’m never good enough and you don’t make them effort to spend time with me or even talk to me, even though you do to my sisters.

I feel I will never be good enough for you.

I think it’s because of my mental illness, I know your embarrassed of me.

I’m so sorry.

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Anxiety Carer delusions depression Diary Disappointment Doctors Emotionally unstable personality disorder Emotions hallucinations Health healthy Lonely Medication Mental health Personality disorder psychiatrist psychosis scared Schizophrenia self harm Sisters Support worker Therapy Voices

I think I’m falling apart.

Woke up with horrible nightmares,

Found something that I wrote a year ago about something some had said to me. It’s making me remember those times and I’m really upset. 

I don’t know what to do, I think I want to get in my car and drive away. Somewhere no one will find me. 

I’m still angry at my sister for limiting my contact with my niece.

I feel my family aren’t even bothered if I’m alive or dead. They don’t contact me at all so as far as they are aware I could be dead. 

I feel so rubbish and alone. 

Categories
Emotions family Mental health

My brothers shelf. 

Here is some beautiful ornaments for my brother. He has a shelf in my front room, I have not included some with his personal details, although they are beautiful. But I want to keep them private. 

I lost my baby brother 13 years ago. It was a miscarriage, I feel responsible for his death, from the stress I caused my mum. 

Sleep peacefully beautiful brother. 💙

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Anxiety Doctors Emotionally unstable personality disorder family Mental health Personality disorder psychiatrist Schizophrenia self harm Support worker Therapy Voices

Really wish I could reach out for help, but always regret it.

I reached out for help, I called my gp and he is too busy talk, and I called my cpn is off. My therapist is off and I’ve just recieved a text from support worker, to meet tomorrow, but I’m hoping I won’t be here tomorrow. I’m making plans to leave. I want to make sure everything is going to go right. I feel really unsafe. There’s too much going on in my head, the voices, thoughts, feelings, I just can’t cope. I’m hoping this will be my last post, but I really need to let my family know, I’m sorry I was such a failure. I’m sorry I always do things wrong. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.