I thought it was going to be a lot easier than I’ve actually found it.
I’ve been very lonely and started to use old coping mechanisms.
Today is the first day I’ve felt in control.
So I’ve worked through my todo list, and now I’m having a bath, and listening to my favourite songs.
I’m starting to look after my appearance.
My job has moved a lot further, both references are done and the occupational health assessment has been done. I’m waiting for the report of that to come back and then a start date.
I’m scared in case it doesn’t happen and go through because of my mental health but I feel 100% ready to do this job.
I’ve seen my family this week, which I will admit has been pretty stressful, but it was still nice to see them.
I’ve been the the animal therapy farm and had a cuddle with a ducklings. I had an amazing time.
I’ve started to work on loosing weight and getting healthy.
It’s been so lovely seeing and BBC spending time with my cats.
So overall I think things are going ok and I can’t wait to start living not just surviving!
So about four weeks ago I was sectioned after 4 mental health Acts in a month or so.
Things got bad real quick.
I do admit now that it was probably because I messed around with medication, then kept forgetting and then drinking too much alcohol, and then not being able to control the voices and attempting to take my life in so many different ways, and too many times.
I was then sectioned which was horrible.
I hated every second of it.
I was restrained and injected 3 times, because of refusing medication, I was too scared to move, eat or even talk to the staff.
It was a terrifying 3 and a bit weeks.
They finally discharged me yesterday after wardround on Thursday. With the agreement I was going to my parents. I think the staff thought I was staying there for the weekend, there were phone calls between my dad and nurses and I think we all got a bit confused.
Either way I’ve been at my parents on and off. I find it so stressful here and looking forward to going home tomorrow and staying there on my own for a bit.
I was hoping someone would comment on my weight considering I’ve lost quite a lot since they all saw me a month ago, but no. So I guess I’m still a fat ugly creature.
I need to work on my weight so much now as I’ve been told quite a bit if news one that I can currently share and that is my DBS check came through the post with nothing wrong with it. I was scared with my recent police sections 136, being on there but luckily it’s all clear!!!!! So hopefully I can start my job soon I’m just scared as I think I’ve lost my driving license for 3 months until I can prove I’m stable. But I’m still hoping to start my job as soon as possible.
I’m hoping so much that this will all work out but with the amount of stress I already feel and how scared, worked up and confused I am I’m not sure I can get through this.
Surely it has to get better from here?
This is what I keep reading at the moment.
The crisis team were meant to be calling or visiting but haven’t heard from them at all.
Then I think next week my cpn is calling Monday and then the dreaded depot of medication on tuesday.
Honestly, I’m not even sure I’m going to go and have it. I don’t want to be injected and I hate the fact it’s out of my control. I’m going to ask if I can go back to the tablet form. They can’t force me to have the depot now that I’m not sectioned!
But for now I just need to try and get through this next hour, or even minute.
I need to get things back on track, surely things can only get better from here?
There has been lots of tears, restraints, injections, prn, and anxiety but I’m starting to feel better.
Last Tuesday they decided they were going to give me the depot of haloperidol instead of the daily injections that were causing me so much distress.
It’s only 4 days after and I feel a difference already, the voices have died down, I’m no longer following there commands about harming myself or not eating.
I hadn’t eaten in 2 and a half weeks due to the voices telling me the food was poisoned, but since the depot I’ve managed to start eating, i did loose 20 lbs in the weeks that I wasn’t eating, I am scared that now I’m going to put all that weight back on but now I’ve got an even bigger reason to loose as much weight as I can now.
I had appealed my section called a Tribunal but I didn’t win it as I’m still here. It was horrible listening to them all talk about me and what’s wrong with me and why I’m not safe. An because of covid we were all on the phone, so we couldn’t see each other. Anyway I lost and I’m still here under section 2.
I have had a lot of falling out with my family since being in here, I hate the fact that they go behind my back to get information about me and my care when it clearly states on my notes not to share any information with them. Why should I? They never tell me when my team have been in touch with them. It’s horrible knowing everyone is going behind my back, it’s my cate talk to me!!!!
Ward round went well on Thursday, the consultant said I can be discharged this week coming. Which I’m happy about but I don’t think it’s going to be as simple as waking up tomorrow, packing and walking out the door, they have been talking about a CTO, which would mean I have to have another mental health act assessment and put on section 3 just to be put on a CTO.
My understanding of the CTO is that if I refuse the depot or mental health declines than I can be brought back in to hospital under section 3 automatically. Which is scary.
On Friday I went on my first escorted leave since arriving nearly 3 weeks ago. It was so nice to get out, the rain stopped for us and a nurse that I trust and get on well with took me. We had a really good chat. She also supported me to get my first meal here. Which I’m so great full for.
The occupational therapist spent some one to one time with me and she painted my nails. Gave me a sheet to colour and a puzzle to do in my room.
So as it stands now. I’m hopefully going home one day this week, I hope it’s really soon as I can’t wait to see my cats, sleep in my own bed and have a shave.
It’s amazing the difference one medication can make. I feel like a different person.
I will admit I didn’t realise I’ve been here this long, and luckily I don’t remember much about the distressing times.
Hopefully I will be home soon and back on the life I want to lead.
Last Monday I attempted to end my life, my care co found out and police were called.
I was sectioned under 136 and taken to my local mental health hospital.
The next day I was put in section 2
I’ve appealed and got my tribunal on Wednesday, which I’m scared of.
I haven’t eaten in 2 weeks due to the nhs poisoning my food. I’m able to drink from sealed bottles from outside the ward although I’m limiting what I drink to dry and die.
I also found some glass and started cutting my wrist to get the medication out of me.
I’ve been injected by restraint 3 times and it’s so scary brings back flash backs from being raped.
I’ve been trying to get the blood out of my body so I can get the poison they are injecting me with out of my body.
I’m so scared. Currently the voices are really bad and I feel unsafe. The nhs are trying to steal my DNA. To clone me because I can’t die.
I’ve been here over a week but feels like a few hours I’m loosing track of time.
I’ve barricaded my door multiple times to attempt to stop them restraining and injecting me.
I’m so low at the moment and my head is so busy.
I’ve had a few troubles with family which has lead to me becoming more distressed.
I can’t concentrate much and it’s taken me days to write this.
I’m not ill and don’t need to be kept against my will and medicated! It’s not fair. I’m so scared.
Will I ever get out of here unharmed?
I think Ive lost some weight already from not eating for 2 weeks but it’s not through choice If they weren’t poisoning my food I could eat. I’m scared.
I gained so much from recovering from my anorexia.
Although I’d say I’m weight restored but I still worry about food and weight so much.
I wish I had my anorexic weight back just so I could feel valid having all the anorexia thoughts.
But I’m the short term I’ve gained that I can actually eat in-front if people, I can eat some full fat foods, I enjoy foods including pasta so much,
But
This all comes with guilt, and worry.
I hate how I look but I’ve never liked how I look. Never!
I want to look nice and thin but will it will it be enough.
I want these thoughts to go away.
I’m not longer diagnosed with anorexia although I think I may have atypical anorexia as my weight is restored but I have so many anorexic traits still to this day, will they ever go?
So I need to loose weight and quickly. For me. Not for anything specific.
I’m not really too bothered about healthy WeightLoss, just need a lot and quick
I’m already taking 2 types of diet pills.
I’ve started drinking water a lot about 2 litres of water a day, is that enough?
My usual day is all charted on MyFitnessPal or fit bit apps. But I aim for 1,200 kcal. Is that too much?
I drink about 2 litres of Pepsi max or Diet Pepsi everyday.
I don’t have a plan for meal but I eat lunch and dinner with a late night snack. Should I change this?
I really need some guidance, since moving back in with my parents I’m finding it difficult with food and drinking too much fluid but I’m hoping this can help me get to my weight loss target, which is a loss of 73lbs. I have smaller targets in between but that’s my ultimate goal.
Exercise wise I’m making sure I walk as much as I can inside with out looking suspicious or the opposite lazy.
💫 Rosie’s Mental Health Journey 💫 